Sitting in a comfy armchair, I was feeling ill at ease because of those questions. My psychologist kept asking me the questions I didn’t know the answers to.
— What do you like?
— What inspires you?
— What gives you strength?
— What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
— What can you enthusiastically engage in, Olga?

Back in the spring of 2014, I was constantly getting nervous, I even began snapping at my loved ones. Yesterday I took it out on my kids because of nothing - a dirty spoon on the floor, and when my mom told me I looked tired and twitchy, I responded in a rude and impatient manner.

I didn’t tend to do so, however, I couldn’t hold myself back, I had that feeling of irritation, anxiety, and concern inside of me.
It had already happened to me 4 years back, resulting in severe depression.
“God, what’s going on with me? I don’t want history repeating itself…”

When it happened to me for the first time in 2010, nobody told me to go to a psychologist or a coach (I even had no idea that coaches existed and what they worked with). They could’ve asked me the right questions to find out a true reason of my worries and anxiety. No one has ever turned to such specialists in my close environment.

I was sick and tired of everything. I was 29, but it seemed like I was pushing myself to the limit. Nothing brought me happiness. It seemed to be perfect on the outside: a handsome husband (any woman would envy), a kid, a job, a good position, money, my own apartment. But on the inside, I was feeling pressure all around.

“My husband is so selfish! He has to be in the limelight all the time! When we talk, we talk about his interests only. We spend time together only the way he wants. When he’s not in the mood, everyone has to be quiet as a mouse. My job…these colleagues, their plots and gossips, clients – I’m fed up with that! This new head of department is a complete idiot who doesn’t even know what he wants, who can only report to the boss and distract us from work.
My parents with their dacha, constantly complaining that we rarely come and help there” – I was repeating to myself over and over again, getting more and more depressed.

Every single morning, once I opened my eyes, everything was repeated: quick breakfast, packing up and driving kids to their kindergarten, office, evening grocery shopping, talks to my husband about his favourite football, dinner, clean up, sleep, and a new day again.

Due to all this monotony, obsessive and concerning thoughts started swirling in my mind.

“God, is that really where the life ends? Graduate, get a job, get married, get kids, work-home-work, kindergarten-school-homework, holiday parties, dacha and a rare vacation?”
“What’s the point?”
“Is that really life?”
“What is this all for?”
I had no answers, no one to talk to, no way to explain that. A terrifying tension was rising inside me. The tension was so strong, that I got a poisonous scarlet rash all over my body. I was itching day and night, vesicles were bursting, getting wet, running dry, covering my skin with a nasty crust. I was crying my eyes out looking in the mirror every single morning. I was supposed to go to work, drive my kids to the kindergarten, run errands, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want anything. My mom was bringing me to all kinds of professors, I was in three hospitals, but doctors couldn’t find anything; I was getting IV, keeping a strict diet, I was back home in a week, and it all started over.

I had been suffering for three months, visiting mystics and herbalists, going to church, and then left everything and everyone. I went to a health centre for 2 weeks. Everything I brought along were two tees…black ones.

I turned off my phone, stopped socialising with everyone, I craved for a complete silence to be alone with myself.

In a week I felt better and started returning to life. I found people I wanted to talk to and even make friends with, I wanted to cast off the shackles of that black armour, so I demonstratively threw out my black tees and bought two white ones instead. I even felt sex drive looking at the man who was sitting at the next table in a dining room.

Then I realized that everything that a woman needs when she’s at her lowest is to give her time for herself, leave her alone, no responsibilities, no guilt, so that she could listen to herself, her soul, and her desires. All concerning questions about the meaning of life went into the background. As soon as I returned home, full of strengths and determination, I passionately sprang at my husband and whispered to his ear: “Maybe we could make a daughter?” … My husband was over the moon because of my “resurrection” … Nine months later, our daughter Anastasiya was born.

It gave my life meaning for a while, filling it with bright colours. I was on cloud nine. We bought a huge 4-bedroom apartment, I was busy with making it cosy, spending time with kids, got a new job. Everything was just amazing.

But 4 years later the history repeats itself. I’m feeling that inner trembling again: “God, what’s the matter?”, “Where is this anxiety coming from?”, “Should I get another baby again? I don’t want to, besides that’s not the point!”

That last time I got off the hook after I’d found a new meaning of life. Seems like this time, I’ll have to dig deeper… And here I am, at the psychologist’s office.

— Are you happy? – she asked me.
I felt that painful pricking inside.
—Well…I’ve got a husband, 2 kids, a prestigious job, my own car plus my work car, respectable status, vacation abroad twice a year… - I started listing all the achievements I was proud of.
—That’s not what I’m asking. – she said persistently – What do you like? What inspires you? What gives you strength? What can you enthusiastically engage in?
I was keeping quiet, frantically trying to find the answers.
— What do you enjoy doing in your spare time, Olga? – my psychologist insisted.

Finally, the meaning of her questions hit me. I have no interests apart from my family, husband, kids, and my job!

Pictures started to flash before my eyes, one after another, I realized that my life belonged to anybody but myself. I was obsessed with taking care about anybody but myself. I’m trying to be a good person for everybody but myself. I want to make everybody happy except for myself.

While working with my psychologist, I started seeing my own wishes much clearer. I wanted to learn new things, something, that I’d never learnt before, something, that got me extremely interested. For the first time I signed up for a writing course, not a workshop on marketing. Then I took an astrology course, completed a Theta Healing and Spiritual Psychology course. I was binge-reading the books on spiritual and personal growth.

It has become interesting to live again. My life got filled with meaning.

However, the more I was working on myself, the more I was noticing that my husband and I were drifting apart. He wasn’t interested in my hobbies, the books I read, the workshops I attended. I was getting more and more annoyed by his favourite football, constant gossips about his colleagues, and his drunk parties with friends.

The only thing that was still saving our relationship back then was his divine culinary talent. Every single dinner was better than in the most expensive Minsk restaurants. Cooking brought him a great pleasure, relaxation, and escape from rut.

Nevertheless, I was recognizing more and more distinctly that we had no support, love, respect, and inspiration left in our relationship. I got a feeling like everything that used to be important was beginning to lose the meaning and falling apart.

When did it happen? What did I miss? Where did I make a mistake?
I suddenly realized that we’d built our relationship on delusory values.

…I feel in love with him because he seemed to be quite an outstanding personality.

He was playing the electric guitar in a rock band, performing on stage, always in the limelight, entertaining everybody with his witty jokes. I was absolutely sure that we were going to achieve a lot together. And the main thing – he always took the initiative and wanted to see me every day. After we’d been dating for two weeks he asked: “Want to move in?’ I would have done it if my mom had allowed that. One month later, at New Year, he asked me: “Will you marry me?” – “Of course!” – I blurted out without a second thought.

On my Birthday, February 27th, we got to know I was pregnant. We were taken aback but happy. We shared that happy news with my family at the festive table. My dad jumped out of the table, lighting a cigarette nervously, my mom burst out sobbing because of the fast turn of events; my sister congratulated us and wished a happy family life… We hastily started planning the wedding.

Did we have any time to get to know each other better? Did we discuss our values? Did we lie a solid foundation for our family? Did we learn how to trust, respect, and understand each other? No.

I just wanted to be the best wife and promised myself to make my husband the happiest man on Earth.

But eight years later I’m choking and fading away while living with him. We’re living like neighbours: discussing household and kids’ issues, no sex at all, no intimacy, no warmth, nothing. I stopped feeling like a woman; therefore, my confidence, self-sufficiency and self-worth were influenced in the worst possible way.

Only my hobbies were a salvation that time. When I was attending the events on self-development, I got inspired and felt an emotional uplift. But hardly had I returned home when I got filled with angst, emptiness, pain, and hard feelings. I couldn’t stand that indifference any longer. I couldn’t take that anymore. I was bringing up divorce, got offended. I started to insist on sex more and more, thinking that it could improve our relationship. But on the contrary - the more I demanded the more he was drifting away from me.

Then I decided to make a move – I bought a Dubai package tour for two. I was sincerely convinced that a change of scenery, especially in such a luxurious place could excite my husband, we could recover our sexual life, and the rest would come along.

That sex was the first for the last year and as it turned out the last one in our marriage. That night in Dubai made me realize that we had no reciprocity and flame left. He didn’t care about my wishes, and I got sick and tired of pleasing him; he didn’t want to make me happy, and I got fed up with admiring him. That truth really hurt. The hope to save our marriage almost vanished…

I was weighing up pros and cons when I returned to Minsk; either to get divorced and settle my own life, which will fill, inspire, and delight me, but differ completely from the life scenarios of those who surround me, or keep our marriage for the sake of kids, a married woman status, my parents’ composure, my friends’, and acquaintances’ approval?

I was filling up one notebook after another, asking myself questions, looking for the answers, when I came across the ad of a women club created by one international expert on building a happy relationship. I told myself: “I’ll make a decision after this training”

While I was having second thoughts whether I had to keep our family or not, wracking my brains how to turn on my husband and attract his attention and interest, he got engaged in our son Michael’s sport life and started attending all his basketball matches and trainings. I began to suspect that something was going on…My husband was becoming a different person right in front of my eyes…

One month has passed. My daughter fell ill, and I stayed in her room that night. Suddenly I woke up in the middle of the night to the phone buzzling – it was vibrating in the room next door where my husband was sleeping.

I picked up: “Honey, where are you? Why aren’t you returning my calls?” – there was a mom of Michael’s basketball teammate in the avatar. It all came together for me.

I left the room and called her back.
“Are you sleeping with my husband?” – I asked straightforwardly.

“Yes” – she replied. “Are you still living together? I thought you’d filed for divorce…Isn’t it true?” – she asked me with a clear confusion in her voice.

I was shivering all over. Yeah, we might not have had sex for two years already, but we were living together, and I was trying so hard to save our marriage! And he has already made up his mind, hasn’t he? Or was he just trying to sit on the fence?

“Bastard!” – that thought was pulsing in my head. He’s been torturing me for so long and couldn’t make a man’s decision and come clean!

– I hope you already have a place for him because I’m telling him to pack his things tonight. I wasn’t despaired, but pain and resentment were pressing my chest.

He got out of our house, and I was left alone with two kids, ripped heart, and a low self-esteem, depressed, without a job, without money. Several months before I quit my job thinking if I found more time for my family and my husband, our relationship would improve.

Now, my only job was to listen to the Women’s club lectures, working hard on my homework, dealing with all my negative emotions, slamming me all at once. I was binge-reading books about relationships and men’s psychology. I had to answer multiple questions: “Why did it happen?” “What did I do wrong?” “How can I prevent this in the future?” “What are the essential ingredients of a happy and strong relationship?

During the next several months I was constantly asking myself:

“What is the life I want to live?”
“What should I do?”
“Who do I want to see by my side to feel like I’m living a full and truly happy life?”

After six months of my hard work on myself, my past mistakes, profound studies of men’s psychology and the topic of relationship, thanks to an individual work with a relationship building coach, simultaneous work with a psychologist, I finally was full of strength, confidence, found my inner benchmarks. I got a new job and actively started to look for my better half.

I clearly realized, what my dream life was – a balanced relationship with a man, who loves me, desired me, gets inspired by me, accepts me for who I am, understands me, loves my kids, with whom I have a mutual trust, understanding, respect, common interests and values, the one who values me like I’m the most precious treasure in his life, and who is ready to invest his resource into our relationship.

I created a detailed image of my ideal man and understood what I wanted from a relationship and from a man, and the main thing, what I could and wanted to give to my future man, where my strengths and my advantages lay.

…Sam – my future husband, flew to Minsk from Brisbane, Australia.
I was testing him thoroughly – I had to make sure about his intentions and how they resonate in me. I studied myself, my wishes, I knew what I wanted from my life and relationship. I was honest with myself and my future husband about what I could offer, what I could give and what I expected from him.
I was asking Sam questions about what kind of woman he imagined by his side, what expectations of a partner he had, how he was interacting with his kids, how ready he was to take responsibility for somebody’s kids, who should provide for the family, what role a woman plays in a family, and others.

I paid a high price in my previous relationship, and I didn’t want to make the same mistakes again, that’s why I had to approach my new marriage with full awareness.

In 2018 my kids and I moved from Belarus to Australia. Sam was very proud of me and happily introduced me to all his relatives and friends.

We had a beautiful wedding with 80 guests, in the hotel located at the coast of Pacific Ocean. The friends and relatives came to us from different Australian states. I was feeling like a Hollywood movie heroine, when I was walking to my husband to Christine Perry’s music “One thousand years”

All eyes were on me. It was so pleasant to hear the sighs of admiration, adoration, and a genuine approval from my husband’s close people. My son Michael was walking me down the aisle, where my handsome and elegant Sam was standing. A single man tear was slipping down his cheek. His eyes were shining with happiness. Sam still gets quite emotional when he recalls that day. He says that the best thing he’s ever done in his life was marrying me.